lima syndrome
by SassafrasSandals
Summary: well, you know what they say about the best laid plans — TaserTricks


**summary: **well, you know what they say about the best laid plans

**dedication: **for sandi. happy 18th darling.

**disclaimer: **Thor and its various related universes are the property of Marvel. No infringement of copyright is intended.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**lima syndrome**

* * *

Suffice to say, things had not gone according to Loki's plan. And it had all been so simple too. He was only supposed to pop down to Midgard, cause a bit of general discord and chaos, kidnap Thor's woman and leave his demands spray-painted on the side of Stark Tower (it would be a bitch to clean up).

And a majority of his scheme had gone through without a hitch. He'd managed to travel from his base he had set up in Jotunheim to Midgard with ease, thanks to his knowledge of the hidden paths between worlds. Once arriving on Earth, phase two was a breeze. Apparently he had landed in New York, the same city where he had lost the war to claim the realm, he realised bitterly. Honestly he was surprised it was still standing. From what he had gathered, the city was frequent to _almost_-apocalyptic battles and extraterrestrial skirmishes. It was a wonder why anyone still chose to live there, what with the high death rate and all. Foolish mortals.

No matter, the humans should be used to a bit of danger by now, so Loki got to work. And what's a bit of anarchy without an intergalactic guard dog rampaging through the streets? The god of mischief had found the Frost Beast still encased in ice back at the palace of Jotunheim, and he saw fit to release the creature and claim it as his pet. He named it Hundr.

Whilst Hundr was busy chasing cars and crashing through buildings, Loki took the time to fuck around with the traffic-light system, cause a minor tsunami in the Hudson River, surreptitiously re-arrange half of New York's subway lines, and turn all of the spoons in the city into small, temperamental lizards.

The humans did shriek so beautifully.

Basking in the mayhem he had caused, Loki determined that it would be best to let his beloved brother and earths mightiest know exactly what he wanted. He left his message emblazoned across Stark's penthouse window in green letters.

_**GIVE ME THE SINGASTEINN**_

The only thing left to do was to collect his bargaining chip.

And that was where everything went to absolute shit.

Dr Jane Foster was _supposed_ to be in her lab at Stark Tower, mooning over Einstein-Rosen bridges and other mundane facets. Dr Jane Foster was _supposed_ to flail and scream a little as Loki kidnapped her and poofed them back to Jotunheim. Dr Jane Foster was _supposed_ to be Loki's hostage and his leverage against Thor.

But as he stood in the great hall of the Palace of Jotunheim and stared down at the buxom wench sprawled on the floor, with her unruly curls escaping from her ridiculous headwear and her black spectacles askew on her face, Loki realised that this was _not_ Dr Jane Foster and everything had _not_ gone according to plan.

She _was_ flailing and screaming, so at least there was that.

* * *

"You are not Doctor Jane Foster." The mortal had calmed down marginally. She was still hyperventilating a little, but Loki could deal with that. "Who are you? Why were you in Doctor Foster's lab?" he questioned.

The girls' breathing began to even out and she glanced at him from over her glasses, and she immediately paled.

"Oh, Jesus _Christ!_"

The Asgardian prince rolled his eyes, "No, wrong deity. I am-"

"Loki." she cut him off, "You're Loki, aren't you? Prince of Asgard? God of Mischief? Father of Chaos?"

He raised an eyebrow. It was almost flattering that the girl knew of his titles, but no amount of ego-stroking would grant her leniency. "It seems you know who I am, but I do not know you. So, answer my question mortal," he stepped forward and towered over her, "who are you?"

"I'm Darcy. Darcy Lewis. I'm um…Jane's assistant." she spoke and gazed around the great frozen hall, "Where are we?"

Loki sighed, it would be best to be patient with the slow mortal. "This is the realm of Jotunheim."

She blinked twice, "Yogurt-what now?"

"_Jotunheim._"

"Wait, _shit_!" Darcy squawked, "Like…_another planet_? Another freaking _realm_ or whatever?!" Before Loki had a chance to answer, she had picked herself off the floor and started pacing, "Oh _hell_ no! I did not sign up for this. I just wanted my six college credits, goddammit! I never asked for all this intergalactic bullshittery. First with the giant space robot and then with that fucking Doctor Who Christmas special and now I've been magicked to fucking Yogurtland by a megalomaniac with a BDSM kink. Damn it, Jane better give me a raise or _at least_ start fucking paying me! Ugh, and when I get back I am _so_ tasing Thor in his myuh-myuh for getting me into this shit!"

Loki had absolutely no idea what she had just said.

But her whining was giving him a migraine.

"Silence woman!" Darcy snapped her mouth close and Loki relished the quite. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he let out a frustrated sigh. "You are one of Thor's mortal companions, correct?"

"Umm yeah, I guess. I mean, I'm not a companion like how Jane's a companion, ya know what I'm sayin'?" Loki raised his head slowly and stared at her incredulously, which Darcy took as a cue to keep on talking. "Like, Jane lets him go _pillaging her village_. He show's her what _the god of thunder's got going on down under._ They like _having some hammer-time_. You know, _bury the hatchet_. He lets her _fiddle with myuh-myuh-_"

"Myuh-myuh? You speak of Mjölnir?" Loki interrupted her rant, "Only those who are worthy may wield the hammer of Thor."

It was Darcy's turn to roll her eyes. "I'm not talking about the _actual_ myuh-myuh. I mean the one in his pants." Sudden realisation dawned upon the god of mischief as Darcy continued, "And trust me, she's _plenty_ worthy of wielding the hammer of Thor, going by the sounds from their bedroom. Do you know what it's been like, having to share a wall with those two for three months?!"

Loki blanched, "Try three thousand years."

She cringed and made a noise of sympathy. "Dude, no wonder you cracked."

Loki shook his head and reprimanded himself for getting side tracked, "It matters not. What matters is that you are significant enough to my brother for my plan to continue unhinged. You'll simple take Jane Foster's place in this equation."

"Umm…" Darcy swallowed nervously, "what is exactly is Jane's, er…_place?_"

Loki rounded on her with a sickening smile and a malicious glint in his eyes. "_Your place_, Darcy Lewis, is here. As my prisoner."

"Oh." she muttered, "Peachy."

* * *

_Back on Midgard_

Nick Fury was not having the best day. In fact, as far as days go, this was a pretty shitty one. Grinding his teeth, Fury stood in the centre of Stark's penthouse and glowered at the Avengers and Pepper Potts who had gathered in the room.

"Alright, would one of you idiots please explain to me _why_ there is a motherfucking intergalactic hellhound rampaging through the streets of Harlem, _why_ there was a fucking typhoon in the Hudson, and _why _there is a goddamn lizard in my tomato soup?! And where the hell is Coulson!?"

"He says he's in Queens, sir." Natasha answered.

"Queens? What the hell is he doing in Queens?"

The Russian shrugged, "He said something about taking the subway."

Fury pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a string of curses under his breath.

"I fear that this may be the work of my brother." Thor said solemnly.

"No shit!" Tony shrieked, "Look what he did to my window! Does he know how hard that's going to be to get off!?"

"Most definitely." the prince of Asgard affirmed.

"Thor," Dr Banner spoke up as the voice of reason, "what exactly is a singasteinn?" he asked, nodding towards the message scrawled across Tony's window.

The god of thunder's face darkened, "The Singasteinn is an ancient Asgardian relic of immense power. It is one of the six Infinity Stones, much like the Tesseract and the Aether that was in Jane. Where the Tesseract gave the wielder power to manipulate space and the Aether increased strength and durability, the Singasteinn gives its master the power to alter reality. It is guarded by the Vanir and hidden within the catacombs of Alfheim. If Loki were to gain control of the Singasteinn he would be capable of fabricating any reality he chose."

Barton scoffed, "Yeah, well if your wackadoodle brother thinks we're gonna hand _that_ over to him just because he messed up a couple of subway lines and let his little puppy loose on New York, he's got another thing coming."

Jane Foster chose that moment to burst through the doors. Her hair was an utter mess and her face was completely distraught. "Thor! Darcy's missing!"

Thor caught the frantic scientist in his arms, "Jane! Slow down, are you hurt? What has happened?"

"I can't find Darcy anywhere!" she said, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes, "She was in the lab before and I had only left for a moment to find Dr Banner, but then everyone was panicking and all the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were on high alert, and then I saw what was happening in the city, and I got side tracked trying to help out, and when I got back to the lab she wasn't there, and I looked everywhere for her, and I found this on the floor," she said in quick succession, brandishing Darcy's, now broken, iPod in her hand, "and you know that she _never_ goes anywhere without this and oh my god what if something's happened to her!?"

Thor tried to placate his hysterical girlfriend, though his brow creased in worry for his missing friend.

"JARVIS pull up the security footage in Dr Foster's lab." Tony ordered.

"Right away, sir."

A holographic view of Jane's lab illuminated the room and a tall figure, clad in green, black and gold walked into focus.

Pepper gasped, "Oh my god, that's-"

"Loki." Thor growled, hugging the distressed astrophysicist closer to him.

On the footage, Loki smirked right at the camera and dipped into an elaborate bow, before turning and striding to the far corner of the lab. A corner where Darcy was obliviously listening to her iPod and entering data onto the computer. By the time she had noticed the intruder, it was too late. Loki grasped her around the shoulder and she let out a silent scream before the laboratory was lit up by a flash of green and the pair disappeared.

There was a tense silence in the room, before Steve spoke. "Why would Loki kidnap Darcy? I mean, have those two even met? What could he want from her?"

"Her boobs." Tony and Clint answered monotonously at the same time.

Their respective red-heads hit them over the head at the same time.

"It was Jane's lab." Bruce muttered, "He was after Jane. Probably so he could er… use her against Thor… I mean, if Loki had Jane, Thor would be emotionally compromised and would be more willing to do something drastic. Like hand over the Singasteinn."

Steve frowned. So Loki wanted to trade Jane for the Singasteinn, but he had grabbed the wrong mortal. Either way, it was still a hostage situation, and no matter how much he liked Darcy Lewis, he knew it would be impossible to just hand over the Asgardian relic in exchange for her freedom.

Well then, there was only one thing for it. "We're going to have to rescue Darcy." Steve announced resolutely. He had done it seventy years ago and he would do it again.

"Yeah, just one problem with that, Cap," Stark drawled, "we have no idea where he took her. He didn't exactly leave a mailing address."

The room was once again silent.

Thor massaged his temples, "_Sorþinn_, Loki." he swore.

* * *

Darcy didn't mind being a hostage too much. Don't get her wrong, the whole being taken against her will and transported to another planet was kinda sucky, but other than that it wasn't too bad. And Loki was a surprisingly generous captor. She'd expected to be kept in some dreary dungeon or something, but no. Loki had given her one of the rooms in the otherwise unoccupied castle. He'd even given her a stock of climate appropriate clothing. The guy had pretty much given her free reign over the castle.

Although he _had_ threatened to disembowel her if she disturbed him. Darcy figured that was just Loki's way of making friends.

Decked out in her new Yogurtland-or-whatever gear, Darcy meandered through the castle until she found Loki sitting atop a ridiculously massive, ice throne and glaring at nothing in particular.

"So, er… nice place you've got here." she tried.

No reply.

"Kinda _deserted_ though, isn't it?"

No reply.

"Lots of ice. That's pretty…cool…"

No reply.

"Dude, _what_ are you glaring at?"

No reply.

"Doesn't that throne give your ass frostbite?"

His glare flickered to her. "Cease you talking, mortal. Your voice is grating."

Darcy beamed. Success! "Good to know that you can talk, Queen Elsa. You had me worried for a second." She ignored his hardened stare and wandered forward, taking a closer look at the throne room, "So what is the deal with the place anyway? Did you build it or something? Do a little song and dance number and magicked it into existence?"

"This is the Old Palace of Jotunheim, once home to the Frost Giants." he spat out to her.

"Frost Giants huh? That would explain the oversized throne. What happened to them? Wait, don't tell me you…"

"I did not kill them," he interrupted, "and not due to a lack of trying. They migrated to the other side of the realm, where the resources are more bountiful." he added. It seemed like that it was taking everything the god had to continue to converse with the mortal. Did she not know whom she was speaking to? Why was she not trembling in fear by his mere presence? And could she be any more insolent?

"So you're, like, squatting here?"

Apparently, yes.

Loki didn't seem to take her observation well. "My rightful place is on a throne!" he roared.

Darcy raised her hands defensively, "Whoa alright, calm down there buddy-"

Loki raised himself up from his seated position, towering over her, "I am a King!" he spat, "You should be kneeling before me!"

She raised an eyebrow incredulously at him and scoffed, "Dude, if you want me to be doing any sort of _kneeling_, you're gonna have to buy me dinner first. And it had better be at some high-class-fancy-schmancy restaurant, what with your "kingly" status and all that."

And with that Darcy flipped her hair over her shoulder and sauntered out of the room, leaving a still angry, but also slightly bewildered, god of mischief behind.

"You know, I've read about you."

Loki groaned, could he find no peace from this mortal? If she were not essential to his plans, he would have fed her to Hundr in a heartbeat. It had already been three days since he had been anchored to this wench and she had not stopped talking since.

Darcy seemed to be oblivious to the discomfort that she caused the god, "So what does your wife think about all this?"

"My_ what?_"

The intern smiled, she was getting better and better at getting a reaction out of him, "Your _wife_," she repeated, "surely she can't be okay with being dumped with the kids while you go conquering planets and kidnapping fair maidens."

"_Kids?!_" Loki choked out, "I have no children, nor do I have a _wife_ for that matter!"

"Really? Well, yeah, I suppose you don't really seem like a family-guy," Darcy said, "and Thor did say that the Vikings got some stuff wrong. They thought that your brother was married to Lady Sif. Jane almost had a fit when she found out, took Thor five days and a magic Asgardian telescope-thingy to get her to talk to him again."

Loki scoffed, "Sif probably started that rumour herself."

"So you don't have a son who's a giant wolf named Fenrir?"

Loki blinked, "When I was a child I found a wolf cub in the Asgardian forests that I named Fenrir. I had tried to keep him as my pet, but Odin did not like the scent of his fur and ordered me to get rid of him."

Darcy let out a squawk of laughter, "You're telling me that King Odin of Asgard, the almighty Guardian of the Nine Realms, the great All-father, was _allergic_ to his son's _puppy_! Ha! Oh that's hilarious!" she said, wiping tears of mirth from her eye as she giggled uncontrollably.

The corner of Loki's lip quirked involuntarily. _Well, when you put it that way_.

"Alright, alright," the brunette began again once she had calmed down a little, "what about the eight-legged horse, that _can't_ be real?"

"No, Sleipnir is real."

"_Seriously!?_" she sat up bolt-straight and eyes wide.

"Yes, I used my magic to create him as a gift for Odin for his victory in battle."

"Oh," Darcy's shoulders relaxed, "so you didn't fuck a horse?"

The god of mischief almost choked on his own tongue, "_**WHAT?!**_"

"I'll take that as a no then. What about-"

"I didn't _what?!_" Loki interrupted her, "_where_ would you- how could _anyone_- why- who would…" he trailed of and his eyes narrowed as realisation dawned upon him. "_Fandral._" he hissed. That buffoon must have started rumours about him.

Darcy giggled again. Loki really wasn't so bad, you know minus the whole killing eighty people in two days thing, and the whole I'm going to take over your planet thing. The dude was pretty cool when he wasn't in full megalomaniac mode. "So what about the giant 'world-serpent' or whatever. I have _no_ idea how anyone could _give birth_ to that."

This time Loki was more confused, "I have never heard of this _'world-serpent'_. Am I supposed to have fathered that as well?"

"Yeah, apparently it's supposed to cause the apocalypse or ragnarok or something and Thor's supposedly going to die trying to save the world."

Loki hummed thoughtfully. Now _there's _an idea.

Darcy continued, "Maybe it's like a euphemism or something."

"A what?"

"You know, like how Thor has myuh-myuh. You have a world-serpent. Hey is that you plan? Are you going to take over Earth with the power of your penis?"

Alright, that was enough dealing with the mortal for one day.

Loki let out an exasperated sigh and got up to leave the snickering mortal to her own crude thoughts. He was out the door when he heard her call out from behind him.

"Hey, Loki! Are you going to destroy Thor with your DICK!?"

Walking away from the cackling mortal, Loki realise that she was most likely insane.

* * *

Darcy had been a hostage for a week. And she was bored. There was absolutely nothing to do in this realm except stare at ice melt. Well and bothering Loki, which was quickly becoming one of Darcy's favourite pastimes.

"Seriously, you couldn't have swiped my iPod when you were kidnapping me? I'd just got Katy Perry's new album." she whined to the stoic god.

"Your Midgardian devices are of no concern to me." he drawled.

"Dude, it's been a _week_. Don't tell me you're not bored too."

Truthfully, Loki _was_ bored. He hadn't anticipated that it would take this long for his brother to contact him. Sure he hadn't expected the god of thunder and his band of idiots to just hand him The Singasteinn, but he had expected _something_ by now. Perhaps he had over-estimated the mortals' value to the Avengers. He huffed.

"I am an immortal god, I have waited centuries to have what I want. You will only have to wait a few more days."

Darcy stared at him, slack-jawed, then straightened "To hell with that! Let me tell you something Loki of Asgard, I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath, I was scared to rock the boat and make a mess. So I sat quietly and agreed politely." She stood and began pacing around the room, "I guess that I forgot I had a _choice_, I let them push me past the breaking point." Darcy rounded on him suddenly, "I stood for _nothing_, Loki! So I fell for _everything_!"

Loki blinked and wondered what in the nine realms this girl even talking about? She was making absolutely no sense what so ever. Perhaps her situation has finally dawning upon her and she was about to crack.

Darcy continued her rant unperturbed, "They held me down, but I got up. I was already brushing off the dust! You hear my voice, Loki? You hear that sound? It's like _thunder_, I'm gonna shake the ground! You held me down Loki, but I got up. Now get ready, because I've had _enough_!"

The god of lies raised an eyebrow. Why was she speaking in rhyme?

A mischievous glint flickered in her eye, "I see it all Loki, I see it now." She sucked in a deep breath then opened her mouth and _fucking sang,_ "_I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire!"_

The trickster's eye's widened as the mortal continued to sing along to her own silent music. She actually wasn't half bad. As his hostage sang and danced around the room, twirling around in circles, Loki decided that whilst she was strange, she was also rather entertaining. He reclined in his chair to enjoy the show. At least it was better than watching the ice melt.

Still spinning, Darcy laughed at him, "Don't worry, Jane says that you'll eventually learn to drown me out."

"And why would I want to do that?" he asked almost impishly.

"I thought you said my voice was _grating_." She teased back.

Loki smirked, "Only most times."

Darcy laughed again, "Well in that case, _you're gonna hear me ROAR!"_

* * *

"She's a girl."

"What? No he's not."

"Dude, I'm telling you, your dog is a girl."

Hundr had returned to Jotunheim and Darcy had been there for two weeks and she was bored and she wanted to play with the puppy, and that's what had led them to their current situation. Well, Loki had said '_dog_', so Darcy wasn't really expecting to see the giant Frost Beast that almost ran her over in London.

But Hundr was a sweetheart. Tickle him just under his chin and he'd roll over on to his back just like any Midgardian puppy.

Hundr loved having his belly rubbed and he loved playing fetch, although he did often bring back different sticks that where far too large and heavy for Darcy to lift. Hundr could, sit, stay, heel, come, jump and play dead. Hundr was very affectionate and gentle for a creature his size.

And Hundr was also a _girl_.

Loki refused to believe it, "How could he be a _girl_?"

"Well for one thing, she doesn't have a _'world-serpent'_"

The god huffed petulantly, "Well if he's a girl shouldn't he- _she_, have, I don't know… a pink bow or ribbon or _something_?"

"…"

"…"

"How the _hell_ did you almost take over my planet?"

* * *

"_Yo_."

"Yo."

"_Ten."_

"Ten."

"_Heim."_

"Heim."

"_Jotunheim_."

"Yogurt hymen."

"How in the nine realms could you mess up so badly?!"

She shrugged, "Call it a gift."

* * *

"Alright this is pretty good," Darcy admitted as she chewed into the food that Loki had magicked for her, "but it's no high-class restaurant, so don't go thinking that I'm going to start kneeling and making friends with your world-serpent."

It had almost been a month since he had bought her to Jotunheim and Loki had started to tolerate her company. The Asgardian prince rolled his eyes, he was even getting used to her crude mouth. "Shut _up_, Darcy."

When she did in fact 'shut up', Loki looked up from his plate in surprise, only to find her beaming at him. It was a tad disconcerting. "What?" he asked.

"You called me Darcy." she said softly.

He raised an eyebrow, "That is your name, is it not?"

She was still grinning, "Yeah, but you never call me by my name. It's always _'mortal'_ or like an Asgardian swear or something."

Loki scoffed, "Yes, well… don't start getting sentimental."

"This is the perfect time to start getting sentimental! Look at us! Having dinner, telling jokes, you calling me my _name_! We're bonding!"

"We are not bonding."

"We totally are."

"No we're not."

"Just you wait, Lokes. Soon we'll have a proper secret handshake and everything!"

"_Lokes?"_

"Yeah, it's your nickname.I just came up with it. That's what friends do."

Loki blinked. "I do not have _friends_."

"You have me, dummy." Darcy scoffed, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I _kidnapped_ you." Loki felt that he should remind her of that little fact.

The Midgardian waved her hand absentmindedly, "Details. Next thing you know we'll have slumber parties, and you'll let me do your hair, and then we'll be drinking buddies and then we'll be setting each other up on dates with our friends…" Darcy trailed off, then cocked her head thoughtfully, "well maybe not that last one, since my only single friend is the Black Widow and I don't think she likes you very much, and you apparently don't have any friends-"

Loki interrupted her with a sly grin, "I have my world-serpent. I could introduce you to him."

Darcy blinked at him in surprise.

Then she threw back her head and laughed.

* * *

Loki was so immensely grateful that there wasn't a soul present to witness him back away in fear from the crazy woman with the sharp scissors. _Where did she get them from anyway?_

"Seriously, Lokes. You need a haircut. You look like a crack addict." Darcy deadpanned.

"Woman, if you think I am letting you anywhere near my head with those scissors, you are delusional."

"Oh come on! I used to cut my own hair all the time when I was in college, and besides it can't be any worse than when Jane cut Thor's hair and tried to give him bangs." Darcy shuddered, "boy was _that_ a disaster. He couldn't go on any missions for two weeks because the rest of the Avengers kept laughing at him and ended up getting distracted and injured in the field."

"Darcy, there is nothing you can do to convince me to let you cut my hair."

Darcy sighed and put her hand on her hips, "Alright, I was saving this one for later, but you've forced my hand. If you let me give you a haircut, I'll tell you about the time I first met your brother and kicked his godly ass."

Loki froze. Darcy smirked.

_Got him._

Twenty minutes later Darcy was running her finger through Loki's considerably shorter and far more neater hair and they were both laughing hysterically.

"_You electrocuted the god of thunder and lightning!"_ Loki gasped out between breaths

"He was freaking me out! What was I supposed to do?" Darcy defended herself half-heartedly.

"You _ran him over_ and then you electrocuted him!"

"Hey I told you, it was Jane's fault that we ran him over."

Still laughing, Loki rubbed his eyes, "Oh Darcy Lewis, you are a gift from Valhalla."

From her place behind him, the intern blushed, "Well, I do what I can." She removed her hands from his head once she realised that she had probably been fiddling with the god's hair a tad too long, "So, what do you think?"

Loki frowned briefly at the loss of contact, he had been enjoying that massage. He stood up and examined him reflection on the icy wall and his lips turned upwards. "Well, it is not a _complete_ disaster." he teased.

Darcy bumped his shoulder, "Admit it, you love it. Now you don't look like a creepy drug-dealing prostitute."

"Shut _up_, Darcy."

* * *

"_Me."_

"Me."

"_Yol."_

"Yol."

"_Near."_

"Near."

"_Mjolnir."_

"Myuh-myuh."

Loki slapped his hand against his forehead. They had been at it for what seemed like hours and she was nowhere near to getting the pronunciation right. He sighed in defeat and looked up, only to see Darcy biting her lip, struggling not to laugh. Realisation slowly dawned upon him, "You have been mispronouncing it this entire time just to irritate me, haven't you?"

Darcy nodded, a giggle escaping her lips, "Your eyebrows go all crinkly when you're annoyed."

Loki rolled his eyes but smirked despite himself. "Shut _up_, Darcy."

* * *

It was probably a bad idea, but neither Darcy nor Loki seemed to care. They had both lost count of how long they had been alone together in the Old Palace of Jotunheim, but with each day the two had been growing closer and closer to each other. Somewhere along the way Darcy had taught the god how to high-five, fold his own clothes, the proper way to eat with chopsticks and the meaning of the word defenestration. Loki had taught the intern how to throw knives, tell a successful lie, how to waltz and the best ways to commit patricide.

And now, to solidify their friendship as Darcy explained, they had gotten piss drunk together. And _somehow_ Darcy had ended up practically laying on Loki, and the trickster's arm had _somehow_ found its way around her waist.

"I am a monster you know." Loki mumbled drunkenly into his friend's hair.

"You are not. Y'might have been once but now you're my frrriend." the midgardian slurred.

"No, no. I mean I'm an _actual monster_."

Darcy turned and scrutinized the god she was sitting on, "Y'don't look like a monster."

"Magic."

"Ah. So what do you really look like then?"

"Frost Giant."

"You're a Frost Giant?"

"Yup." Loki mumbled sadly, popping his 'p'.

"So you're, like, adopted?"

"Yup."

"Did ya know?"

"Nope. Found out at Thor's cororon-chorno-corolo-coranalation, I found out at Thor's crowny ceremony."

"_Dude._"

"Yup."

"Is that why you went bat-shit crazy?"

"Yup." Loki took another swing from his tankard of mead.

Darcy was silent for a few moments as she muddled over things in her alcohol addled brain. Coming to some sort of conclusion she regarded the miserable god of lies, "Show me."

"Wha?"

With some effort, Darcy managed to stand up without toppling over and offered her hand to Loki before yanking him up as well, "I said _show me._"

Loki's eyes widened and he shook his head violently, "No no no no no no no no."

"Aww come on, Lokes. You've seen me without makeup, what's the big deal."

"You still look beautiful without makeup, Darcy. My Jotun form is hideous." his voice became small and his shoulders hunched forward, "a thing of nightmares."

God, it was obvious that Loki had grown up for centuries with people conditioning him to hate himself. No wonder he was the God of Lies, he would be an expert with all the fabrications that were fed to him. The guy was so messed up. It became easier and easier for Darcy to understand why he had done the things he did.

But he was her friend, and Darcy Lewis would not stand for any of her friends hating themselves. She reached forward and grasped his hands, "Loki, you're my friend. I don't give a rat's ass about what you look like, alright? You could have wings and a tail and webbed feet for all I care, you'd still be my friend. So have a little faith and show me."

Perhaps it was the absolutely determined conviction in her eyes or maybe it was the alcohol getting into his brain, but Loki let out the breath he had been holding.

Closing his eyes, he let his magic seep through him, revealing his birth form.

It started on his chest, hidden beneath his clothes, then it spread up his neck and around his wrists until every visible inch of skin was a deep shade of indigo with a pattern of raised sigils appearing on his flesh. When Loki finally opened his eyes, they were no longer the seafoam green that Darcy had become so accustomed too, but a bright crimson red. But other than that, he was still her Loki. His brow creased as he waited for her reaction.

"Well Loki," she started, "I have to say I'm kinda disappointed."

The god of lies was confused, "What?"

"I was expecting something, you know, _monstrous_. But it turns out, you're actually kinda hot." she giggled, "Hot! It's funny 'cause you're a _Frost_ Giant and you're _hot_! Actually, come to think of it, you're not really giant either. You're pretty small."

Loki did not seem to hear her little rant, "You find me…_attractive?_"

She nodded, staring up at him from under her lashes and biting her lip coyly.

He blinked several times, trying to compute what was happening at that moment. He really didn't see that coming _at all_.

Darcy couldn't help but giggle at the confused expression on Loki's little blue face. And maybe it was the alcohol talking, or maybe his sexy red eyes were getting to her or perhaps it was all the pent up sexual tension, but Darcy opened her mouth and spoke, "Hey Loki, you reckon you could introduce me to your world-serpent?" she added a flirtatious wink for good measure.

And it was like all the air had been sucked out from his lungs. _What was going on?!_

"You… you want to…_what?_" he stuttered.

Darcy sighed, "I would like to have sex with you." Jane always did say she was all ways to forward with people. Oh well. "Preferably in your Jotun form, 'cause your red eyes are giving me tingly feelings in my nether regions. Though I would not be opposed to Asgardian Loki either."

"You…?"

"Yes."

"You want to…?"

"Yes."

"…with me?"

"Yes."

"_Like this?_"

"Fuck yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Loki, I've wanted to jump you ever since you got that bitchin' haircut. Who's your hairdresser by the way? They did an awesome job."

"Shut up, Darcy." he muttered and he smashed his lips onto hers as he dragged her towards his bedroom.

* * *

They woke up in a tangle of limbs and pounding headaches and the sudden reminder that they had banged last night.

They were silent and stiff and refused to look at each other.

"So…umm…" Darcy tried, not making eye contact with the god she shared a bed with.

"How much do you remember of last night?" Loki asked. Sometime during the night he had reverted back to his Asgardian form.

"Every single glorious moment."

Loki rolled and faced her, a smirk twitching on his lips, "_Glorious?_" Suffice to say his ego was effectively stroked.

"Well, yeah." Darcy admitted, "And I take back what I said about you being small. I totally get the whole Frost _Giant_ thing now."

"You do not regret it?"

She turned towards him, finally meeting his green eyes, and smiled, "Nah." He grinned back at her, relief flooding through him. "I'm kinda glad that The Avengers have taken so long to show up." she continued.

"As am I." he agreed. Truth be told, he would rather his brother never show up, then he would not have to give up Darcy. Loki no longer needed The Singasteinn and he no longer wanted to be king. He much preferred lazing around in bed with the attractive Midgardian.

Darcy seemed to be having similar thoughts, "Why do you think they never showed up? I mean, I expected Thor to throw some kind of hissy fit. And I know Barton has an arrow saved with your name on it, I thought he'd be the first to come after you."

The Asgardian prince had taken to placing kisses up her collarbone, "I have no idea." he mumbled into her skin distractedly.

"It's been _ages_. I thought they'd be here in like a few days, a week tops. But no, it's been months!"

Loki hummed in agreement as he kissed his way up her throat.

"I mean you did tell them where to find you, right?"

When Loki froze, Darcy realised she had hit the nail on the head.

"Oh my god," she continued, gaping at him, "you forgot to tell them where to find you! No wonder they haven't come storming in! It's been like months! Oh _god_, that's hilarious!" she threw back her head onto the pillows and cackled, weaving her fingers through his hair.

"Shut _up_, Darcy." he murmured hotly into her flesh. In his opinion it was the best mistake he ever made.

"Well what are we going to do now? You know they're gonna find you eventually."

She was right.

Loki sat up, his face suddenly serious, "There's only one thing we can do."

* * *

_Back on Midgard_

Tony Stark was having a good day. Although it had been months since they had seen Darcy Lewis, the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. had not given up looking. In fact the Iron Man was certain that they were closer than ever to catching that wretched trickster god.

Yes, Tony Stark was having a good day. Until he saw his penthouse window.

"What the- _**THOR!**_"

In huge green letters, a message was plastered across the glass.

_**I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND. YOU MAY KEEP THE SINGASTEINN BUT I AM KEEPING DARCY. DO NOT LOOK FOR US.**_

Under that message, there was a smaller note written in bright pink letters.

_**Thor, watch out for Loki's world-serpent. It's huge. xo Darcy**_

* * *

happy enormously belated birthday to capnjackelback aka sandi aka my E.P.I.C. have some tasertricks on me babe.


End file.
